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15 June 2011 @ 08:50 am
To D'espairsray.  
 For the last five minutes I've looked around my room to try to think of anything, and all I can say is thank you.

When I woke up to a text that you are gone, I felt it in my heart and I think it's in pieces now. It will come together with time, but I think it still fully needs to break. Right now this is surreal and I really feel like, at any point in time, I could still reach out and there would be Hizumi, Karyu, Zero, and Tsukasa. Together.

You are still together in life I'm sure, and will always be together in my heart.
 
Hizumi, I really can only pray for your health now. You hid it from us since the start of this band and I don't blame you, but I worry about how it's affected you. Yes, it would be awesome if you were able to sing again someday, but more than that I hope you can live without pain. Thank you for being everything you are, between ame-otoko, Karubi's dad, and one of the only singers that could ever make me cry with his song. In the end, at the live, it was you who taught me what a human clad monster really is just by showing yourself; you've inspired me every day since then. I will always love you for it.
 
Karyu..I just hope I still hear from you. Do you know how much you've brightened my life? Your blog posts.. your hands.. your emotional writing.. your fucking music. The way you smiled and shook my hand and looked confused as fuck about the gay headband I bought you. Everything you've done will always make me smile. There will be a place in my heart for you for the rest of my life, and I'll always remember the second I met you and the way you gave me the most butterflies anyone ever has in my stomach. I miss you terribly.
 
Zero. Umm.. I guess I really should apologize for disliking you so much through these years. You're kind of weird and awkward, but so am I. I shouldn't judge you as much as I have but thank you for being the great bassist of one of the bands I love most. Also I did like you a lot more live, and you have nice English. I'll probably always remember you as the awkward bassist, but at the same time I'll never forget how cool you were onstage and how nice you were afterwards. To be honest, I will miss you too (but I'm sure I will hear you a lot on twitter for the rest of our lives too).
 
Tsukasa.. for some reason I am crying now more than before when I write this to you. There is a really deep place in my heart for you from the first time I read your blog posts. You have one of the most beautiful souls I've ever encountered, and I hope that even with this break up you won't be lonely. I hope that your baby Buntaro will be there for a long time and that, if you haven't already, you find someone to fill your heart the way this band has filled mine. I'll never forget your smile when I gave you the miso, as stupid as that might sound. I love you to death.
 
I can still remember how hard it was for me to see this band the first time. If it had been most other bands, even 30 seconds to mars, I would've said fuck it and given up when we were waiting in the heat for 3 hours and trying to figure out how to fix our car. I still remember sitting in the car crying when I really thought I wouldn't make it, and crying again when we got a different car and I realized I would. I remember getting into the venue and almost breaking down because I knew all the trouble would be worth it. I remember the first bass line that deafened me and how Hizumi told everyone to jump when he introduced Love is Dead. I remember everything he said that night. I remember crying during Infection, almost collapsing during Abyss because it's all so true, and going fucking crazy during Fuyuu shita risou because I didn't want to miss the opportunity, and I didn't know when I'd see you all again. I'm so glad I did that because I know I won't see you now, but I'll always have these memories in my heart. I'll never be able to not smile when I see Coke Zero, baby sweatpants, gay headbands and instant miso. I'll never forget how soft and cute Karubi was and how I've never been so excited to hug a stuffed animal.
 
I know for sure that I will never be the same, in both good and bad ways. You all taught me to be who I am, try hard, live passionately and never give up. These are things that I'll never forget. I know your breakup will always leave some kind of pain in my heart, but I hope that eventually it'll grow smaller and be overshadowed by all of the memories you've given me.
 
You thanked us for the past 11 years but I think it's more important that I thank you for everything. I have only been with you for maybe 2, 3 years but you brought so much to my life. 
 
「I want to believe that even with wings tattered
From flying against the wind, you can go to the ends of the earth

I want to live always in that instant when everything disappears and
You shine brilliantly enough make hearts tremble」
 
♥♥♥
 
 
 
♡mood: depresseddepressed
♡music: Heaven's Color - D'espairsray
 
 
 
Reketrebn: Tsuryu on a date♥irmavep777 on June 15th, 2011 10:59 pm (UTC)
this made me cry of how much I feel the same and also of your beautiful words and memories....they really changed and saved my life..
I'm so glad we could share our love for this band...I can never forget them.
and so we shall believe and think about them because well..really there wasn't a day since I got to know them when I wasn't thinking about them or not listening to at least one song..
They just became eternal♥